Who the hell am I anyway?

  • When I say I was a high-functioning person, I really mean it. I would wake up at 5 a.m., go to a CrossFit class, come home to prepare the kids’ lunches, and then head to work, where I managed a team of five people. After work, I’d come home, cook a nice dinner, clean up the kitchen, and tidy the house. Before bed, I’d read my books. Even when I watched TV, I’d be knitting or doing puzzles at the same time.

    At the peak of my depression, some days I didn’t even brush my teeth. Most days, I spent all day on the couch or in bed, playing mindless games on my phone while watching something on TV. Too many nights, I’d Uber dinner (that I couldn’t afford) because even cooking a pot of pasta and heating up hot dogs felt like too much.

    I tried so many things—meditation, self-help books, therapy, and positive self-talk. I’d like to say I tried exercise, but even a five-minute walk felt impossible. Nothing helped.

    What pulled me out? What got me to the point where I feel like I can start rebuilding my life? Medication. A combination of SSRIs and antipsychotics. Now I’m off the couch. Now I’m making progress. Now I feel like I can set goals.

    Goals for this month:

    • Make some money.
    • Run 3–5 km.

    Not too lofty, but it’s a start.

  • That is a good question. I really thought I knew. If you asked me 5 years ago I would say I am a scientist, a mother, a good wife, a runner, a go getter, a strong and capable person.

    And then…

    Layoff #1 during COVID, that sucked. But hey, a new job came along shortly. No details needed, but it didn’t go well. For the company that is. It shut down last year, and I’ve been unemployed ever since.

    Anxiety has been my companion my whole life, but after layoff #2 depression joined the team. As the job applications got rejected and the interviews went nowhere, I sank deeper.

    I could tell a long story of attempts and failures but bottom line is this. I used to make 50 CAD an hour, now I feel accomplished if I make 50 CAD a day driving Uber eats. I used to run half-marathons, now I can’t run half a km. And the worst of it: my mental health is affecting everyone around me. Husband and kids included.

    But thank the lord for modern medicine. Some new drugs are actually helping. Getting me off the couch. Away from full days spent watching YouTube. Into the mindset to make some positive changes.

    So here I am. On the path to reclaim who I once was. Trying to become that functional go getter again.

    Want to join in for the ride?

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  • Welcome to WordPress! This is a sample post. Edit or delete it to take the first step in your blogging journey. To add more content here, click the small plus icon at the top left corner. There, you will find an existing selection of WordPress blocks and patterns, something to suit your every need for content creation. And don’t forget to check out the List View: click the icon a few spots to the right of the plus icon and you’ll get a tidy, easy-to-view list of the blocks and patterns in your post.

  • Welcome to WordPress! This is a sample post. Edit or delete it to take the first step in your blogging journey. To add more content here, click the small plus icon at the top left corner. There, you will find an existing selection of WordPress blocks and patterns, something to suit your every need for content creation. And don’t forget to check out the List View: click the icon a few spots to the right of the plus icon and you’ll get a tidy, easy-to-view list of the blocks and patterns in your post.

  • Welcome to WordPress! This is a sample post. Edit or delete it to take the first step in your blogging journey. To add more content here, click the small plus icon at the top left corner. There, you will find an existing selection of WordPress blocks and patterns, something to suit your every need for content creation. And don’t forget to check out the List View: click the icon a few spots to the right of the plus icon and you’ll get a tidy, easy-to-view list of the blocks and patterns in your post.

  • Welcome to WordPress! This is a sample post. Edit or delete it to take the first step in your blogging journey. To add more content here, click the small plus icon at the top left corner. There, you will find an existing selection of WordPress blocks and patterns, something to suit your every need for content creation. And don’t forget to check out the List View: click the icon a few spots to the right of the plus icon and you’ll get a tidy, easy-to-view list of the blocks and patterns in your post.

  • Welcome to WordPress! This is a sample post. Edit or delete it to take the first step in your blogging journey. To add more content here, click the small plus icon at the top left corner. There, you will find an existing selection of WordPress blocks and patterns, something to suit your every need for content creation. And don’t forget to check out the List View: click the icon a few spots to the right of the plus icon and you’ll get a tidy, easy-to-view list of the blocks and patterns in your post.